Old Diaries

On Sunday my Dad gave my brother a load of boxes containing things from our childhood, amongst these things was my secret box! A secret box contains things you do not want others to ever see, letters and of course your precious diaries! I have always done diaries and stories and all sorts, my brother found a bag of puppy in my pockets and sheets of paper with all their family trees that I remember spending hours doing. I've always been like that, I like things on paper or on laptop as is more common now! I do lists all the time, I cannot function without my diary telling me that I am doing for the next week, Pete and I have a spreadsheet so I can arrange all our outgoings, we had one for our wedding too. I have always known that my brain works this way, in my brain I swear everything is in categories and organised in a tidy manner. When I used to revise I would learn things in blocks and one block would lead to another. I am very organised and organisation requires records. So my life is also recorded as it helps me to remember it I suppose, this blog is now my diary but back in the day it was good old pen to paper!

So the diary found in the secret box starts on Christmas Day 1996, so I was 11 years old, nearly 12. It is apparent straight away that I was a brat haha. Here's the first entry:

'It's Christmas. Merry Christmas! I got one toy and that was Barbie and Keiko. I got everything I wanted and a few more things. Went to Little Nanna's for a while and then went to Pete's and nita's. Had a big Christmas dinner. Played with Loren and Jenny. It's not fair Jenny's got a sindy 4x4 and a Baywatch Barbie! Played Charades for a while. Went to bed at about 10.15pm.'

That's about the jist of my entries at the age of 11, I'd like to point out that I did get a sindy 4x4 and a baywatch barbie at some point. In fact the sindy 4x4 got thrown in the bin on Sunday as it was in the box and was broken!

The diary ends in 2005 on the 30th March because I ran out of pages. There are years when I didn't put anything in and then years when I wrote in it nearly everyday. As you can imagine what I talk about changes quite alot!

Its so funny and worrying at times reading through it. The one thing that surprised me was how little I mention my CF and even then it's only bits and pieces. The first time I mention it is the 30th December 1996 where I say 'did my physio then played at Lauras house with her new Barbies'. I was obsessed with Barbies, on the 31st December I made a new seatie for my barbies and sorted a family for my new Barbie Sian, because obviously a new barbie needs a family...! On the 6th January I say 'did my physio in my brother's room cause was so much barbie stuff in my room!'.

I'm pretty sure I was having overnight feeds at this point but I never mention it once throughout my whole diary, I sometimes say I had a headache or I felt sick but that's about it. My first proper CF entry I'd say is in 1997 on 11th May

'Got my stuff ready for hospital then messed around on the walkie talkie. Went to hospital had blood taken, I'm in a bay with two boys, one boy snores! Having my op at 8.30am tomorrow morning'

12th May - 'Couldn't have any breakfast. Went down for my op at 8.30. I was really weird when I went to sleep everything went blurred. When I woke up I couldn't see properly, Nana was waiting for me by the bed' I then go on to say my brothers and Dad came to see me and it was awful (!) and there is a gorgeous boy in my bay!
No idea what the operation was for, might have been to get my peg changed? Or get my first port?

I mention I'm getting a new pasport in 1999 and say how I'll get another dodgy scar and I hate having CF and that I'm crying. Then I seem to go through this weird stage of hating the world and everyone, aged 15-16 surprise surprise! All I seem to go on about is my friends and how I hate them all and my obsession with music and I'll admit quite alot about sex related things!

2002 (aged 17) seems to be the year I decide CF sucks
3rd Jan 2002 - 'Well I got my f**king needle in. Yipee! No life for the next two weeks! It's pis*sing me off already'...'I hate having CF, it might not seem too bad to everyone. But sometimes it makes my life unbearable. When i'm on my IV's I feel so dirty because I cannot shower properly, I feel trapped cos I can't do everything I want. I might sound selfish and ungrateful but I can't help how I feel can I? Is it wrong to moan about having this frustrating DISEASE. What a horrible, horrible word. Me? Have a disease? Sometimes I don't believe it, but then I just look at my scars. Well I must go and try to cheer myself up! C'ya Gemma xxx'

8th April 2002 - 'This next two weeks are going to be hell. I hate having CF, I hate having CF, I hate having CF, I hate having CF. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Why me? I HATE IT'

27th March 2003 - 'By the way i've still got CF, no magical cure!'

So in conclusion from reading my diary it appears CF did not become a big issue in my life until I became a teenager, even then boys, friends (who knew friendship was so complex when you are younger!) and music was more important! I just thought people who read this who have kids with CF might find it interesting and perhaps my parents, I dunno if it has bored everyone else! No one wants to take a trip down someone elses memory lane really!

I'll end on my diary entry dated 19th October 2004
'Hey long time no see. Just to let you know that i've broken up with S* last Wednesday'.....'I realised he doesn't make me happy anymore. We had a long chat and cry and he admitted lately he had felt different about me. He just doesn't seem to be the S I know anymore. I'm really miserable'....'so far i'm coping ok without him but i'm in so much pain inside'....''I'm going to a Barbie and Ken party on Saturday, i'm Hawaii Barbie! Got a wig, it's ace. I'm still at Uni by the way, it's pretty good at the mo. Gemma'

Guess who I met at that party and who I am now married to?! My wonderful Pete! I love you Pete!

*I started going out with S in 1998, we dated on and off for 6 years. He is in my diary a heck of a lot!

Busy Weekend

I've had a busy few days so think I'm just going to relax today and take it easy, I might attempt to go food shopping and walk Alfie, but we'll see!

On Friday night we went for a curry with my dad and his partner and my brother and his girlfriend which was very nice and I also had a few glasses of wine.

Then on Saturday we went to a surrogacy social event, which involved doing a two hour walk. Not the greatest idea for me to agree to take part in, but needs must and all that! As we got closer in the car I kept commenting to Pete how hilly it looked and started to panic! I really don't need to be coughing my guts up for two hours in front if people I hardly know and when I'm trying to make a good impression! At the start of the walk there was an easy route and more difficult one and we were all to meet up about 15 minutes later, I do not think labelling it 'easy' was the correct term. There were two really steep bits so not easy (!) but I managed OK and then once we were on flat and going back downhill it was even better. I think I would have struggled if I wasn't feeling great, but since my chest is feeling good at the moment I managed. I slept well on Saturday night anyway and coughed some very thick sputum up in my physio session that night! I really had to push myself to do my physio, I hate doing it when I feel really tired, it's the last thing you want to be forcing yourself to do!

On Sunday we went to a barbecue at Pete's parents as it was his sisters birthday. The weather was beautiful and we had a good day just sitting in the garden. Here are some pictures

Pete's sister the birthday girl!

Pete's sister, baby due in 11 weeks :o)

I couldn't sleep at all on Sunday night and managed to get about an hours sleep, even though I was so tired. I hate it when I can't sleep but then I'm too tired to try and do anything else! I can't understand how your body can not fall asleep when it's so tired!

On Monday my mum and I went to this barber workshop that was supposed to be on 3D patterns but it was like a basic barbering course, we managed to sneak out before the end. We sat there for two hours and didn't even get a break or offered a drink and the chairs were so uncomfortable! Couldn't wait to get out!

In the afternoon I had a flight test as we are going on holiday in a month, wahoo! I just managed to pass the flight test. When you have a flight test they put some gel on your ear for 10 minutes and it heats up your ear so it bleeds more. They then cut it , and collect some blood from it in a thin tube. They put the blood in this machine and it sucks it out of the tube it then gives some numbers about blood saturation levels and CO2 levels. They then put a monitor on your finger to measure your stats and then attach you to some oxygen and you have to wear the mask for about 20 minutes. During this 20 minutes they deliver you lower %;s of oxygen as what would happen on a flight. My stats were 94% at the beginning and the lowest they dropped to were 88%. After 20 minutes they cut your ear again and take some more blood and take the same measurements in the machine, they then remove the oxygen until your stats have returned to normal.

I am still sitting on borderline, which means on short haul flights I'm OK and don't need oxygen, but anything longer than 5hours+ and I'm going to need oxygen as I could start to feel unwell such as feel very tired, sick and get headaches due to low levels of oxygen and even end up having a collapsed lung.

I then had an outpatients appointment but they had arranged to see me on the ward at St James since I was already there for the flight test. My lung function is 41% and my weight is 55.7kg. So overall I'm stable and although my lung function isn't the highest it can be, it's sitting at about my average so they are happy with me and I don't have to see them again for 6 weeks, fingers crossed! I also had my port flushed which went fine, got my letters to take with me on my holiday (one says I am fit to fly and one says I need to take my medication with me for medical purposes i.e I'm not a drug dealer!), got a prescription for salt tablets for my holiday and off I went very happy! I need extra salt when I sweat as people with CF lose alot of salt and can get ill if it's not replaced, so whenever I am in a warm environment I need to take salt tablets. I took some at the weekend too as it was quite warm then. If I don't take them I tend to feel very tired and my body aches, especially my legs!

Ps- Sorry about the massive gaps between paragraphs, blogger is a pain lately and I can't get it to leave smaller gaps!

Presents On Our Doorstep

Well I have only injured my fingers once more since my last post, this time I managed to get a key stuck into my flesh whilst trying to lift it off a hook, the result was three gashes in my finger, one which insisted on bleeding every time I took the plaster off for about two days. I now seem to have got a hair stuck in it from when I've been cutting hair and I can't get it out, so now it hurts when pressure is put on it! Six days have passed and no injury, so perhaps that part of my life is over now, phew!

We have ordered our new fridge freezer, we went for the retro one as we found a website that sold it alot cheaper online, whether it turns up is a different matter! Pete, my dad and brother took out the old one on Saturday and got rid of the integrated cupboard, the freezer is still working for now, I hope it doesn't pack in before the new one arrives! We need to put some flooring where the cupboard was else the new fridge freezer will not be level, Pete says there are some spare in the garage and he'll just need to saw them to fit them in the gap. I hope it is as simple as he says! We all know Pete and I are not the best at DIY!

I've not been up to much this week, we have a few expensive weeks coming up so we are saving our money for those! However I did go out for a pub tea with my friends last Friday and then an Italian with my family on Saturday for my brothers birthday, so not doing too bad! That reminds me, I had serious gutwack on Sunday morning. I don't think I took enough tablets with my meal! I was sweating all night and then woke up in the morning with terrible stomach and back ache. This was proceeded by me sitting on the toilet for so long Pete came to check that I was OK and when I left I advised him not to use the bathroom for a while. Not pleasant and I won't go into anymore details of what gutwack consists of as it ain't pretty!

We have Hever Castle coming soon and I'm majorly excited! We are also going to decorate the front room over Easter and I've already purchased the wallpaper. I've been investigating my options as to how I can prevent breathing in any fungus when we strip the wallpaper. A CF friend suggested these special light bulbs that destroy any spores that come into contact with the bulb (http://www.eudemonuk.co.uk) so I'm going to order one of those and then get a mask specifically to stop you breathing in mould spores.

This morning Pete found two little bottles of Tropicana on our doorstep! I was straight away suspicious whereas Pete thought it was nice. Anyway Pete has drunk his and is still alive and I looked on the Internet and it seems it's some kind of promotion! They are on every ones doorsteps so now I'm starting to think it's nice too, maybe I should become more trusting..?