Am I a Fraud...?

I went to the hospital today because like a good girl I phoned them yesterday as my chest pains were still there. So they asked me to come in for an xray just to check everything was ok.

I was half an hour late but I figured since I had to wait in a car for an hour last week that they could deal with it, it's abit of a give and take isn't it? Here is a picture of me in my sexy gown for my x-ray, also a picture of one of my x-rays for anyone who is not familiar with them.

I saw a Doctor i've never met before but she seemed nice. I told her I felt abit of a fraud as I felt fine and the pains were not really bad or anything but i was just following orders from my clinic. My lung function was the same as last week and the doctor couldn't hear anything on my chest unusual. She said my x-ray looked fine and said if they get any worse they will look into it further. Abit of a wasted journey I hear you say..... well no because whilst I was there I got my acapella at last! Here's a picture of the beast

This is supposed to be better than my pep mask, it vibrates your chest as you blow out but still creates the resistance like the pep mask. The physio says I can do it whilst still patting but to practice using it just sat down first as I have to get the technique right. It feels abit funny to use and i've had a quick go with it and not sure if it's going to be enough by it's self but we shall see. I do like a good bashing, I think it's the best way to get the mucus lose, but if I can do this with the patting I think that will be the best way, that's what I do with the pep mask at the moment.

I went to the gym last night at quarter to 8 as that was the only time the trainer could see me. The guy I saw before has now handed all his clients (is that what we are called...?) to this newly qualified lady. She now deals with all the people with health problems etc. I was abit concerned that she wouldn't have a clue but she was very nice and chatted to me whilst I was doing my exercises. Im keeping the same programme but just trying to go on the treadmill for abit longer and she has got me doing these squat things to strengthen my thighs as well. She was really happy about my lung function going up and says we can get it to 60% because I told her that was my target.

This might sound abit silly, but i'm getting abit concerned I might improve too much or is that just wishful thinking :o) ? Hear me out..... i've given up work to concentrate on my health and because I was struggling when I was working and ill all the time, now i'm not working i'm feeling loads better because I can do my physio more, exercise more, rest more etc. However i'm trying to claim incapacity benefit but I can't claim it until february next year. What happens if they won't give me it because i'm alot better by then? I know that if I went back to working that this will all go to waste because I can't keep this up and work, even part-time. Once i've been to the gym thats it for the day, i'm well tired. I'm getting loads of sleep, if I worked I would have to get up at the crack of dawn to do my physio, nebs etc. Work would tire me out and then on my days off I'd have to do the household chores etc. It not like I can get better and then return to work, this is a regime that I need to upkeep for the rest of my life really, my cf isn't going to go away! I don't want people thinking i'm a fraud though! I feel like keeping healthy is as much hard work as having a job sometimes and more painful!

Emptying out my work bag

I just finished emptying out my work bag. I haven't worked since about June but just shoved the bag in the wardrobe and never got around to clearing it out. I guess it's because alot of it needed ripping up as it has details on of students etc but I also think it's because once I clear all the stuff out of my bag, it's final.

I'll tell you abit about about what I did since I left university and what my hopes were. I did a degree in Law and Psychology at University, it was a 4 year course and I got a 2.i (this is the second highest grade you can get). I didn't move to University, I commuted everyday and I met Pete at university as he lived with my best friend on my course. Pete and I got together in our second year at university, in my final year Pete had finished his degree and went to do a masters degree at a different University about 2 hours away.

I wanted to be a social worker and started some voluntary work as a mentor whilst I was in my final year at university to get some experience. I applied to do the masters in social work which is a 2 year course. I had 2 interviews but didn't get on either course as I didn't have enough experience.

So I went about trying to get more experience, but paid work obviously. In my final year at university my health had started to take abit of a turn, I had my first hospital admission in years and had to have steroids etc, I got an extension on my dissertation so it was all ok. Anyway I decided perhaps I should work part time and so applied for teaching assistant jobs. Most people who want to be social workers would get jobs as a social carer in a home looking after people, I didn't want to do this because I thought I could pick up infections etc and I couldn't cope with working shifts.

I got a job at the local college as an additional support worker where I supported two students with ADHD in their classes. This involved assisting them with their organisational and social skills as well as helping them to keep focused. I also advised subject tutors on the student’s additional requirements. I did 18.5 hours over 4 days, it was ok but quite boring. Alot of the time I was just sat with students in class and mine were studying I.T. so it wasn't even interesting! The tutors would blame me when my students misbehaved, the tutors wouldn't take my advice and I got sick of dealing with kids who were just there to get their ema (payments for going to college) and really weren't interested in the course atall. I did like some of the students though and had a laugh with them, but after about 6 months I was getting itchy feet to move on!

I then took on the role as the early college transfer learning mentor within the 14-16 unit and increased to 30 hours a week, they wouldn't give me the job for any less hours as it was originally advertised for 37hours so they knocked 7 hours off for me, I should have never taken the job really. This involved working with year 11 students who attend college to achieve a vocational qualification. I provided one-to-one support such as addressing problem behaviours and attitudes, liaised with the tutors and monitored the students attendance. Basically these were kids that the schools didn't want anymore so the college takes them to try give them a more vocational and less academic education, for example they could do hairdressing, bricklaying etc. Again, I liked the students, well most of them anyway even though most of them were hopeless and had no intention to pass their courses and had parents who had no intention of trying to motivate them. I spent alot of the time phoning parents listening to excuses about why their child wasn't in college even though they were still in compulsory education so had to come in. I spent alot of time trying to get tutors to actually make an effort with the students as they don't like them and can't even be bothered. I also spent alot of time not really sure what my role was and feeling like people just gave me stuff to do that they didn't want to do! It's basically a job with no or little rewards and just abit hopeless really!

By this time I had gone off becoming a social worker as I realised I would probably have to deal with people that were hopeless and a waste of space alot of the time. I think having cf makes me less able to tolerate people, some people are so ungrateful and abuse thier bodies and use every excuse under the sun to not do things. I just want to tell them to get a grip!

I applied to go on a teaching course as I did enjoy the college setting but just not with the area I was working in, and thought if I taught A-levels I would be dealing with more mature, eager students rather than drop outs in the lower level courses as I was doing at the moment. Anyway I got on the course but my health continued to decline, I was having time off work all the time, going home early, I was always tired and I finally realised I couldn't go on like this. I was letting people down and making myself ill all for the sake of having a job to try prove something. So I quit working at the college and deferred my place on the teaching course for a year. It's still open to me next year if I want to do it but I doubt I will.

So it's abit weird, because in just over a year I have gone from having all these goals of what careers I want, to not having one atall. It's a shame really because I think i'm actually quite good at working with and helping people and I do enjoy it. I'm still doing my voluntary work as a mentor which is good as I don't feel completely useless! I just have to keep reminding myself that I feel alot better now, my lung function is up, I can do things with my friends etc rather than working and going straight to bed and never seeing them. Yes I am poorer and I feel abit inadequate when I sit with my friends and they rave on about their jobs, I also am sad that all my hard work throughout school and university has not amounted to anything apart from grades on a piece of paper. But I made some good friends along the way and got myself a fiance and I am happier now than I was 6-7 months ago, so I have finally emptied out my bag and got rid of my old life and now I can use it to go to the gym which is part of my new healthier and relaxed life. I think i'm finally starting to see whats important :o) xx

Survivors

Last night I watched survivors on the BBC with Max Beesley in, who is rather fit if I might say so...!

I love watching programmes like this where everyone dies or turns into Zombies etc and survivors are left all alone. It makes you think 'what would I do?' etc and makes you realise how much humans need other human company as straight away my thoughts are always, they need to find other survivors! I think humans would find it very hard to survive alone especially emotionally, If it was me I would think, what's the point in surviving if I'm all alone for the rest of my life? Its funny because I remember in one of my psychology lectures the lecturer pointed out that if a human was locked in a room for the rest of their life with everything they needed to survive i.e. food, clean water they would go crazy from loneliness (well there may be a few people who would enjoy it very much but not many) whereas if lots of people were put in a room together with everything they needed, they would also go crazy from the lack of privacy, freedom, space and alone time. Humans are funny things really.

The second thing to consider once you had found other humans would be how you were going to actually survive. There are the basics such as clean water, food, warmth, defences if zombies are trying to kill you... but also from other people. This is the other mystery of humans, if a disaster struck and it was a happy American film, everyone would help each other and sacrifice their own lives to save another. In reality people would attack each other, rape each other and do anything to save themselves, perhaps even kill one another (see the film 28 days later to see this in action). This is also known as survival of the fittest. You would think that because humans are intelligent that they would be able to think beyond this and work together to survive but I don't think they would. Look at the hurricane that was in America the other year (I don't know it's name or what year it was), but people were staying in town halls etc because their homes had been destroyed and they were robbing one another and raping women and girls. I remember hearing it on the news and been disgusted that humans could do that to one another in a crisis.

Even getting clean water and food would be a difficult or lighting a fire. Yes you can get stuff from supermarkets but this would run out eventually, I don't know how to make a fire without a match or grow vegetables etc. I would be totally useless!

Then of course there is the issue of my cf, I mean if I did survive then I'd be pretty screwed. Without anyone making my medication I need and no doctors around I don't think I'd be feeling very positive! I could get things from a chemist but to be fair they have to order most of my stuff in anyway! Where does it come from? some magical drugs supplying place. Even if I managed to get it, stuff expires, stuff needs refrigerating, somehow I don't think I'd be able to have iv's lol.

I have this theory that people have cf to protect them from some future plague, there are theories that the cf gene was developed to protect people against cholera, typhoid, tuberculosis. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cystic_fibrosis#Theories_about_the_prevalence_of_CF)

So here's my idea: everyone dies from a plague or turns into zombies (take your pick) apart from people with cf, perhaps cf carriers too, although I'm not sure about that part. We have to keep human life going, oh dear... We will be lucky if we live long enough to fulfill our destiny, we get out of breath easily (not good if your running away from zombies or trying to build a house or something) most males with cf are infertile and most females without medication probably wouldn't be healthy enough to reproduce, if they managed to get pregnant in the first place. Plus we can't go near each other because of cross infection..... In this case evolution would suck.

Anyway like I say, these programmes/films get me thinking, far, far too much.....I'm sorry that the end result is you reading my waffle and wasting your day :o)

Here's a picture of Will Smith playing Chinese whispers with a zombie, if I was the last person on earth with Will Smith I think i'd feel abit better... :o) xxx

In memory of Toria

Some of us from the cf forum decided to release lanterns in memory of Toria today as it was her funeral. We could not attend the funeral due to cross infection issues or because we live too far away. Therefore one member from the forum kindly sent us these lanterns, a great way to say goodbye.
There it goes up into the sky to join Toria up in heaven, RIP Toria, thank you for touching all of our lives and we will all miss you greatly xx

Good, no GREAT news!!

Well clinic was an interesting one today, when I got there it seemed very busy and I was asked if I could go wait in my car as there were no rooms for me to sit in! So I was sat in my car and luckily I was sat right outside the entrance so i could see all the people coming and going. I was trying to identify who looked like they could be a cf patient or not to see who was leaving and going in. I identified people with cf were people a) on their own b) very skinny c) quite short d) coughing. The other outpatients clinic there is mainly for old people it seems so if it was a young person with an old person, i decided they did not have cf unless they looked cfish. Anyway this was an interesting game to play for the first half an hour, then I got bored. Here is my angry face

Eventually after an hour (yes an hour!) the nurse came out and told me I was next in line and after 5 minutes she came to get me. I then sat in reception for about 15 minutes (alone as only one cfer can sit in reception at a time) then I finally got a room to sit in. Anyway, this is more evidence that cross infection sucks!

Got my weight done which was 56.8kg and the oximeter which was 98%. I saw the dietitian, she didn't really have much to say since I'm perfect and am never underweight... :o). I then saw the physio to do my lung function. So I did it and he says 'I'm just going to check the machine cos it says your getting 51% which is very high for you'. I'm like 'ohhhh ok' with a big smile on my face. So he checks it and I do it again and I get 52%!! And the machine is definitely not broken! Whoope!! My lung function has gone up by 10% in a month!! This is like the highest it's been in like forever. The doctor was very impressed and asked me what my secret was and I told him I had been doing my physio twice a day and been going to the gym and he says it just shows how much of a difference it makes. I'm staying on the voriconazole for another 2 months as that is probably helping too. I can't believe it, I was hoping it was maybe 45%, but 52% is amazing! I feel like I can now achieve 60%, I'm so so happy, I can't stop smiling!!! It's so good because I've done it myself, not through iv's and stuff, ok the voriconazole has helped but I think alot of it is in my control and it's so good to know. Heres goodbye to crappy 2008 and all my iv's and low lung function and hello to 2009 which is going to be great, I'm going to make sure of it!

The doctors only concern is the pains in my chest I keep getting as I keep getting them on a daily basis but they are not too bad and don't really bother me. He says if I keep getting them to call him before my next appointment as that's not until January ,and I'll have an xray and maybe a ct scan if needed.

Beautiful Walk

I took Alfie for a walk on Friday around a lake 20 mins from our home, I don't go there too often as its abit far to go if your just going for a general walk for the sake of walking your dog , but not too far to go if you want somewhere nice to go for a proper walk and enjoy it! It was a gorgeous day, I love it when all the autumn leaves are on the ground and all the trees are red and golden. Thats why i'm glad Pete and I are getting married in September next year, it means i can have autumn colours, my bridesmaid are wearing gold and i'm hoping to have really autumn coloured flowers. Heres some pictures, yes the little blob up ahead is Alfie. he doesn't like to be seen with me, I cramp his style.....!

Now I did once get bothered by a god botherer around Newmillerdam. I could see this suspicious looking guy ahead slow down when he saw me approaching, so I held back and pretended to look at the lake. He totally stopped walking so I wasn't sure what to do. I waited until I could see some other people approaching and continued to walk towards him, at which point he started walking towards me. I was abit panicky, I mean what chance do I have? I had two options, the flight or fight response. Well if I tried to run away i'd start coughing my guts up after like 30 seconds and I can't run fast anyway. If I tried to fight, i'm the weakest person ever and I had no form of a weapon in my bag. Lets see I had my purse, my phone, some dog poop bags, some dog treats, a diary, some keys and my inhaler. Thats it I could squirt my inhaler in his eyes!! So I was pretty confident I could survive plus I had my canine friend to protect me... Anyway turns out, he was only doing the good work of God and offering me a free cd about Jesus. I politely declined, I was going to advise him to perhaps find a new location to approach people, as around a quiet lake with lots of trees and bushes isn't the best place, but I didn't want to make him angry or anything!

It is abit scary walking around with all the trees especially after that potentially dangerous experience.... but it's also nice as its really quiet and beautiful, so I can let Alfie off his lead and he loves running in the leaves, trouble is, he is so small sometimes he gets lost in them!!

Alfie had a sleepover on Saturday night, Murphy joined us so it was a night of having dogs climbing on us and fighting and running around. Whenever Murphy sleeps over he always howls at every noise in the night, this can get slightly annoying. Because of this, Pete is not too keen on Murphy anymore. Luckily he only did it twice on Saturday night at about 12.15 and then 12.20. I think he just gets scared, Alfie even growled at him as if to tell him to shut up! You may wonder why I can hear all this, well they sleep in the hallway next to our room so they are right next door, we only live in a tiny flat. Saturday was also X factor night and Daniel is out, hurray!!

I've got clinic tomorrow and i'm praying all my efforts of doing my physio every single day twice a day without fail, and all my nebs and going to the gym has paid off. I'm going to be so annoyed if there is no improvement or even worse my lung function is down. I do feel good at the moment so I hope it's reflected in my lung function. Fingers crossed!

Mysterious auburn haired girl

I had a dream last night that I met up with a girl who had cf, this girl isn't anyone I know, all I remember is she had really long auburn hair and was very pretty. She was quite famous in my dream and I went to see her talk about getting a lung transplant, in my dream I just ran up to her and hugged her and started crying. She was really nice to me and knew I had cf without even asking and took me for a coffee. I don't remember what in the dream we talked about but all I know is I woke up extremely happy and content and wanted to fall back asleep and spend some more time with this girl. Its the happiest dream I have had in awhile, my dreams are usually stressful or scary, I don't have many nice ones. I couldn't understand why this dream made me so happy this morning but i've been thinking about it as I believe dreams are quite powerful.

I guess its because in my dream I was speaking to someone who completely understood me. This is stupid, even other people with cf don't totally understand me or know everything i'm feeling. I'm sure they will have more of an idea than non-cf people but still ,they are not me.

This is another thing I hate about cf. Because of cross infection, we are not allowed to be near each other. This means in hospital i'm very lucky if I even get a glimpse of another patient, even when an inpatient on the ward. The hospital are very strict and I know it is for our own good. Obviously out of hospital we can do as we please and if we want to meet up with someone with cf, we can do, its a free country. However we know that we can give infections to one another, some people are willing to do this, others are not. I am not, I have aways felt that if the hospital spends so much money and time making sure we don't come into contact, theres a good reason behind it. However, this makes having cf a very lonely place to be.

Most people who have an illness, will go to support groups, meet up with other people who have their condition. We can't do that. Yes we can talk online, we have the cf forum which is great, we could even talk on the phone, whatever: its not the same as sitting down with someone like friends do, going out together, visiting each other in hospital, going to the cinema etc.

This is what makes cf even worse, its lonely and until a few years ago when my cf didnt play a big part it didnt bother me. But now cf seems to affect everything and im turning into somekind of computer nerd spending all my time on my laptop cos its the only place I can talk to people about cf, cos they also have cf. I sometimes think I should cut myself off from the cf forum and spend more time with 'normal' people, but they talk about things that I can't relate to or am not interested in. Things that are important in my life are medications, physio, coughing etc, its sad but true!! Yes there are other things as I illustrate in my blog but cf is a major part in my life and I can't ignore it! it's a part of me and kind of dominates my life and what I do in a way. I'm not trying to be negative about my cf here, i'm trying to be honest. And it would be nice to be able to have friends (real ones not cyber ones) that I can be myself with and talk about things that matter to me. My friends try to understand but I feel like i'm giving them a lesson rather than discussing things with them, plus I don't want them to feel i'm moaning or seeking attention. I'm not saying if I had cf friends we would talk about cf all the time, god that would be depressing, but maybe we would see things in life the same, prioritise the same things, be able to appreciate things together that maybe others don't and know each others limits. But sadly this won't happen and I think that is why I enjoyed this dream so much. I'm just glad I have found friends online to fill some of the gap, but I still secretly hope that the mysterious auburn haired girl returns to my dreams once in a while xx

Best 4 years of my life!!

Well on Friday Pete and I had been together 4 years and what a great 4 years it has been (I love you lots Pete and can't wait to marry you xx). Pete had the day off work so we went to York, I love York because it's all historic and I just love it! There are little sweet shops and cobbled streets and castles!!

It took us ages to find somewhere to park as I wanted to be close to the town centre for obvious reasons, yet I didn't want to pay loads for parking as i'm tight with my money. We ended up going into the shopping centres car park where I spoke to a very rude carpark man. He was in a little office and I got out of the car, the conversation went like this:

Me: 'hello, could I park in one of these spaces?' (pointing to some coned off spaces which I thought were disabled spaces)

'no'

'oh right...erm why?'

'because they are not disabled spaces, they are shopmobility spaces' (he said this in a very sarcastic tone, almost laughing at me)

'oh, where are the disabled spaces then?'

'there' (points to about 8 spaces that are all taken)

'oh well they are all taken'

'-' (no response)

'well thanks for all your help' (me in a sarcastic tone)

So we parked in a normal space and put my sticker out (as parking was free for 5 hours with a sticker). The only reason I wanted to park in a disabled space was because i've heard of people been given a ticket for parking in the 'wrong' space with their disabled sticker! Whats shopmobility anyway?

Anyway, after receiving a lovely 'warm' welcome by the guy, I still managed to have a really great day, we went for lunch in a restaurant over looking the river, then went to the York dungeons where I got picked on by the actors. The supposed plague doctor asked me if i had a cough, I told him I had the plague so to keep away. He said 'ok no need to be smart funny hair girl' (!!!). He then make me sit behind a curtain and pretended to knock the plague out of me with a hammer. I then had to stand in the docks and be accused of witchcraft. At one point we were sat in the dark and someone was going around poking us, it was well scary!

We then walked to see York Minster and then had a coffee in Starbucks (I love their white chocolate Mocha) then headed home. It was a great day, heres some pictures

Saturday was X factor night, and all I have to say on that matter is it's some kind of fix to keep Danni's group in! I can't believe Daniel and Rachel are still in and Laura isn't, something is not quite right there...

Today is remembrance Sunday and I just managed to watch the last parts of the service (didn't wake up till 10.30am and then stayed in bed for ages). I don't know much about the wars etc. But I am very grateful for all those who have fought in them and i'm glad this day is dedicated to them. I don't think people like myself would be around if it wasn't for their bravery and for that I am will be grateful forever. I love the service, seeing the Queen, the clergy, choir etc and the music and marching, its all traditional and it's stuff like that, that makes England great!

I'm feeling really happy at the moment and positive, i'm so ungrateful sometimes for the life I have. My life is great, my family are great, my friends are great, and i'm just feeling great! yeay!

try chips, cheese and gravy, its yummy!!

I've been busy today so feeling pretty tired, but i'm sure i'll survive..!

Firstly I did my voluntary work, the girl I mentor wanted to get out for abit as she is stuck at home alot, so we went for a walk and took Alfie with us, he was very well behaved. I tried to get the girl I mentor to wear my ear muffs but she wasn't having it, but she accepted my scarf and gloves I had brought for her to wear (im very organised!).

Alfie got very muddy so I had to give him a bath when I came home, he only had one the other day! I also trimmed his tail and bum fur the other day as it gets too long, and when he has a number 2, well you can imagine. So he is all trimmed now. I did try to use my barbering techniques on him, but a dogs back end is not the same as a human head and my scissor and comb technique didn't work very well!

I then cleaned the bathroom as its really mucky, I just keep putting it off as I hate doing it. It makes me get really tired and breathless, but there was mould and stuff growing so I had to do it. Pete had the day off work so he did some mopping, he claimed he was going to clean the bathroom but when I got home he was sat playing on the xbox, and wasn't even properly dressed. He wouldn't do it properly anyway, you've got to scrub the bath really well, thats why it's such hard work!

I then had some chips, cheese and gravy for lunch (don't knock it until you've tried it). Then I had to go to the hospital to get my port flushed. Ports need flushing every 4-6 weeks, they just stick the needle in, flush some hepflush in and take the needle out. This stops the line getting blocked. I was looking through my diary and it suddenly dawned on me I would need a port flush before my next outpatients appointment so I called up yesterday and they said I could come in today. I've got out of the habit of having port flushes because i've been on iv's so much or not had a port. Anyway I was going to go by myself, but I was so tired that I asked Pete to drive me there which he was fine with. I went all red when the nurse put the needle in, it's just nerves. Just cos i've had like a million needles throughout my life, it doesn't mean they don't hurt! I admit I am pretty used to them and don't freak out like your average person, but when it comes to getting a needle put in my port I get really nervous. Normal needles in my hand etc are fine, its just I don't like having my port touched and stuff so i get all nervous. It hurts abit when the needle goes in, like a sting, but then it's fine. The needle is only passing through the skin then going into the port, not like a needle in your arm that is going into your flesh and eventually the bit of skin on the port becomes numb from so many pricks so then its not bad atall, but my port is still quite new so i've not achieved that yet. I also got the prescription for the nose spray I forgot to get last time.

By this time, my small headache I had was growing larger, we got home and I watched Silent Witness on bbc i player (I missed it cos I went to the pub last night and its ace so need to watch it!) then we had to go food shopping (sigh). My head was killing me so we had to make a detour to get some ibuprofen, Pete also kindly bought me a twirl, ah bless him.

Oh by the way I went to see James Bond on Tuesday night and it's quite good! Although I would recommend if you have a weak bladder like me, don't sit on the back row right in the corner when the cinema is packed, also don't sit next to some guy that keeps talking to you.... also make sure you get some popcorn cos it's yummy! Did I ever tell you about when I went to the cinema and some guy exposed himself to me cos I asked him to be quiet? Oh yes it's true, the cineworld in near me is all fun and games!! Never a dull moment!

Thank you my fluffy friends!!

Dear Guinness

I really miss you and I hope your enjoying yourself up in cat heaven, or normal heaven (not sure where cats go). Anyway I wanted to thank you for been a wonderful pet all those years, I never knew you as a kitten because I was only a baby myself, but we grew up together and you were my best friend. I miss your purr, stroking you when i'm sad and pouring my heart out to you, I think you have probably seen the true me more than anyone! It was weird when you died last year and I had to sleep by myself every night. I'm sorry I was in hospital when you became ill, I wasn't there to look after you, after all those years you kept me company when I was poorly and when you needed me I wasn't there. I'm sorry that when I finally came out of hospital I made you suffer for a few more days, I needed to say goodbye, I hoped you would die in your sleep so I wouldn't have to make that decision, but you kept going and I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't want you to go, afterall, apart from my parents i've known you longer than anyone else. I think you knew it was time though and I didn't want you to suffer anymore so I let you go, soon after you died, I finished univeristy and moved in with Pete, you'd seen me become an adult, maybe that was your job to be with me whist I grew up, I don't know. I always used to joke that you would live longer than me!

You had a huge impact on my life and I never forget you, you never judged me and comforted me in your own sweet way

Love you xx

Dear Alfie

I want to thank you for saving me. When I lost Guinness there was a part of my life missing, then a few months later my mum and dad came home with a tiny little puppy in their arms. It was your best buddy Murphy! My mum said it was good to see me with a pet again and Murphy was great. I had someone to keep me company again and to look after. Then I moved out and I was by myself again. I didn't like it, Pete said it was too soon to get a Pet but I didn't care, so I brought you home, you were tiny, really fluffy and a little fatty! You filled that gap again, you stopped me feeling lonely and gave me a purpose. I have you to look after and you need walking and playing with. I love it when Pete brings you in to bed on a morning and we snuggle up together, I love that when I come home your so excited to see me your whole bum wags, not just your tail! I love it when you just look at me with your big eyes and when you lie in my lap like a little baby. Your so cheeky and naughty as times, but it entertains me. Your totally different to Guinness, to be honest I think Guinness would of hated you. I think you need to be looked after, whereas it was the other way around with Guinness, he looked out for me. But thats fine, i'm all grown up now and need someone to need me! So thanks Alfie, you little star! Love you too xx

You should never underestimate what pets can do!

X Factor!

oh dear, im so fu**ing bored! Excuse my french (why do people say that?!)

I don't really have anything interesting to say but there is no-one on msn for me to talk to (Chantelle you have left me to go watch James Bond! haha) , Pete is out with his mates for the night and staying at his mates, even Alfie has left me and gone to the land of nod. X factor has just come back on, but it's not that exciting. I want Diana to win, incase anyone was wondering! How is Daniel managing to stay on this show? I think people just feel sorry for him!

I've not really been upto much, infact I can't remember what 've been upto. I think I must be tired. Ah that reminds me, i've been sleeping alot. It's this weather, it's cold and i've been coughing loads and been tired. I slept Thursday afternoon, like properly, I got into bed and everything. I woke up at about 5pm and for some strange reason went to the gym, how random is that?! I felt better after and got a takeaway pizza (Pete was out...again!).

On friday I took Alfie for a walk, it was really cold and I was coughing loads. I coughed a few greenies up into the grass when no one was around, yes it's gross but what else am i supposed to do with it?! hehe. So anyway then I got a chest pain and was tired so fell asleep on the sofa with a sleeping bag wrapped around me. Pete then got us takeaway Chinese for tea, I had the left overs for my tea today. As you can see, I have a really healthy diet! To be honest my appetite is abit poor at the moment, I realised when x factor came on tonight that I hadn't had any tea, how can you forget to have tea?! I do feel like i've lost abit of weight but i might just be paranoid, maybe i'm just getting a muscly stomach from those stomach crunches I do at the gym ;o)

Poor Alfie has been abit scared of the fireworks, he was barking at them earlier and then was just pricking his ears up all the time. Now he is not even bothered, although they are not as noisy now, before it sounded like there were some right above our flats! I don't think i'll be going to a bonfire or to see fireworks this year, we haven't arranged anything and they don't really interest me that much. I didn't do anything for Halloween either, I feel so boring! We didn't even get any trick or treaters which is probably good since all i had to give them was packs of monster munch. The reason for this is that I like the red ones but not the beef or pickled onion ones, so there are loads of those left from the multi packs!

To say I didn't have much to write, i seem to have waffled on.....!! Night xx