Old Diaries

On Sunday my Dad gave my brother a load of boxes containing things from our childhood, amongst these things was my secret box! A secret box contains things you do not want others to ever see, letters and of course your precious diaries! I have always done diaries and stories and all sorts, my brother found a bag of puppy in my pockets and sheets of paper with all their family trees that I remember spending hours doing. I've always been like that, I like things on paper or on laptop as is more common now! I do lists all the time, I cannot function without my diary telling me that I am doing for the next week, Pete and I have a spreadsheet so I can arrange all our outgoings, we had one for our wedding too. I have always known that my brain works this way, in my brain I swear everything is in categories and organised in a tidy manner. When I used to revise I would learn things in blocks and one block would lead to another. I am very organised and organisation requires records. So my life is also recorded as it helps me to remember it I suppose, this blog is now my diary but back in the day it was good old pen to paper!

So the diary found in the secret box starts on Christmas Day 1996, so I was 11 years old, nearly 12. It is apparent straight away that I was a brat haha. Here's the first entry:

'It's Christmas. Merry Christmas! I got one toy and that was Barbie and Keiko. I got everything I wanted and a few more things. Went to Little Nanna's for a while and then went to Pete's and nita's. Had a big Christmas dinner. Played with Loren and Jenny. It's not fair Jenny's got a sindy 4x4 and a Baywatch Barbie! Played Charades for a while. Went to bed at about 10.15pm.'

That's about the jist of my entries at the age of 11, I'd like to point out that I did get a sindy 4x4 and a baywatch barbie at some point. In fact the sindy 4x4 got thrown in the bin on Sunday as it was in the box and was broken!

The diary ends in 2005 on the 30th March because I ran out of pages. There are years when I didn't put anything in and then years when I wrote in it nearly everyday. As you can imagine what I talk about changes quite alot!

Its so funny and worrying at times reading through it. The one thing that surprised me was how little I mention my CF and even then it's only bits and pieces. The first time I mention it is the 30th December 1996 where I say 'did my physio then played at Lauras house with her new Barbies'. I was obsessed with Barbies, on the 31st December I made a new seatie for my barbies and sorted a family for my new Barbie Sian, because obviously a new barbie needs a family...! On the 6th January I say 'did my physio in my brother's room cause was so much barbie stuff in my room!'.

I'm pretty sure I was having overnight feeds at this point but I never mention it once throughout my whole diary, I sometimes say I had a headache or I felt sick but that's about it. My first proper CF entry I'd say is in 1997 on 11th May

'Got my stuff ready for hospital then messed around on the walkie talkie. Went to hospital had blood taken, I'm in a bay with two boys, one boy snores! Having my op at 8.30am tomorrow morning'

12th May - 'Couldn't have any breakfast. Went down for my op at 8.30. I was really weird when I went to sleep everything went blurred. When I woke up I couldn't see properly, Nana was waiting for me by the bed' I then go on to say my brothers and Dad came to see me and it was awful (!) and there is a gorgeous boy in my bay!
No idea what the operation was for, might have been to get my peg changed? Or get my first port?

I mention I'm getting a new pasport in 1999 and say how I'll get another dodgy scar and I hate having CF and that I'm crying. Then I seem to go through this weird stage of hating the world and everyone, aged 15-16 surprise surprise! All I seem to go on about is my friends and how I hate them all and my obsession with music and I'll admit quite alot about sex related things!

2002 (aged 17) seems to be the year I decide CF sucks
3rd Jan 2002 - 'Well I got my f**king needle in. Yipee! No life for the next two weeks! It's pis*sing me off already'...'I hate having CF, it might not seem too bad to everyone. But sometimes it makes my life unbearable. When i'm on my IV's I feel so dirty because I cannot shower properly, I feel trapped cos I can't do everything I want. I might sound selfish and ungrateful but I can't help how I feel can I? Is it wrong to moan about having this frustrating DISEASE. What a horrible, horrible word. Me? Have a disease? Sometimes I don't believe it, but then I just look at my scars. Well I must go and try to cheer myself up! C'ya Gemma xxx'

8th April 2002 - 'This next two weeks are going to be hell. I hate having CF, I hate having CF, I hate having CF, I hate having CF. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Why me? I HATE IT'

27th March 2003 - 'By the way i've still got CF, no magical cure!'

So in conclusion from reading my diary it appears CF did not become a big issue in my life until I became a teenager, even then boys, friends (who knew friendship was so complex when you are younger!) and music was more important! I just thought people who read this who have kids with CF might find it interesting and perhaps my parents, I dunno if it has bored everyone else! No one wants to take a trip down someone elses memory lane really!

I'll end on my diary entry dated 19th October 2004
'Hey long time no see. Just to let you know that i've broken up with S* last Wednesday'.....'I realised he doesn't make me happy anymore. We had a long chat and cry and he admitted lately he had felt different about me. He just doesn't seem to be the S I know anymore. I'm really miserable'....'so far i'm coping ok without him but i'm in so much pain inside'....''I'm going to a Barbie and Ken party on Saturday, i'm Hawaii Barbie! Got a wig, it's ace. I'm still at Uni by the way, it's pretty good at the mo. Gemma'

Guess who I met at that party and who I am now married to?! My wonderful Pete! I love you Pete!

*I started going out with S in 1998, we dated on and off for 6 years. He is in my diary a heck of a lot!