Unexplainable Feelings

I feel like I'm struggling emotionally at the moment and I don't really know why. I have tried to cheer myself up by trying to keep busy but as soon as I'm on my own or doing my physio/nebuliser, I feel this sense pulling on my mind that it's all fake and underneath I am not as happy as I like to make everyone believe, does everyone feel like this?! I can't even explain what is wrong with me, for example on Sunday we'd had Pete's parents around for lunch and had a nice day. Then in the evening I started to do my physio and I just got so annoyed. It occurred to me that I spend an hour of every evening and morning doing my bloody physio, I can watch a whole TV programme doing physio, it doesn't seem a big deal but we started watching 'The Event' on catch up and I just thought to myself 'I'm still going to be doing my physio when this finishes' and I'm going to be doing this every night for the rest of my life. Then I started to imagine what it must be like to not be chained to a demanding treatment regime everyday and wonder how you are going to fit it in around everything. What it must be like to just be able to do things without consulting your doctor or feel like you are arranging a military operation. Anyway the result was that I had a massive cry which involved me telling Pete I just want to be normal, that's all I want.


It doesn't help that I have been off my IVs a week and I already have a cough and getting breathless doing small tasks, Pete even got annoyed with me last night as I kept waking him up coughing. I can't understand this coughing during the night, it's so unusual for me! A day can't go by where someone doesn't comment on my cough, it drives me absolutely crazy. I don't even know what I want people to do instead, I'd just rather not have a cough!


I don't want to ring the hospital, I can put up with it and I'm getting on with my everyday activities, is that what I'm supposed to do? After all I do have CF... or should I tell my team? Sometimes I forgot what is normal for me and what's not. Will they think I'm just paranoid or even worse put me on my IVs again or even worse, make me go into hospital?! If I think about even going into hospital these are the first thoughts that go through my head 'who will look after Alfie and Pete?' 'will my travel insurance still cover me?' 'people will judge me and think I shouldn't be trying to have a baby'. I don't feel unwell like I need to go into hospital but I haven't been in for years and it's only March and I've had 2 sets of IVs already, so I start to get all these random thoughts about what my CF team will suggest!


My friend suggested I ask to be referred to see the CF psychologist, she knows the team and says they are really nice. However I'm not depressed, I just feel abit fed up and I don't want it to be on my records, it's not like they can make my CF go away! She says it could help me though as I don't really tell people how I'm feeling as I'm embarrassed and I don't like people to worry about me. Also people don't understand as people seem to think that if you have a long term illness you just accept your life will be different and learn to deal with it, which I think I tend to do OK with most of the time. I'll see how I feel in a week or so, I usually have these little self pity moments and recover fine.


I actually feel guilty for feeling fed up, there isn't actually that much wrong with my life and much worse things happening in the world. I think all this surrogacy stuff (see my surrogacy blog) along with me not feeling great health wise at the moment is getting me down and I'm worried people especially in the surrogacy world will judge me (as I think some already have). I feel like I constantly have to prove I can cope and my CF is manageable. I just hate CF, it lurks everywhere and seems to taint everything I do no matter how much I try to not let it. In addition to this, my mum is on holiday and I wish she was here. Jeez I really am feeling pathetic today if I want my mummy....! I'm just glad we have got lots of trips and holidays coming up that are sure to cheer me up! If I have a plan or goal I usually feel better!


To end on a positive note after a downer post, here I am on Comic Relief ready to take donations!