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At the start of last week everything seemed to be going well, my crp went down to 20, my lung function went back up to 42%, my headaches had gone and I didn't need oxygen when exercising anymore. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but for the first few days my sats were dropping below 90% when I did exercise in the gym so I needed some extra oxygen. Ideally a persons sats should be over 95% but anything under 90% is not good.

However they decided to keep me in for the full 2 weeks to see if I could improve anymore, I was abit disappointed but agreed. By the end of the week I felt so ill again, my sats on the Friday were sitting at 89-90% when I was resting and they mentioned I might need extra oxygen, I was supposed to have 4 hourly observations to check this but it never happened. I needed oxygen when exercising again, my sputum was thick and dark, I was sweating again during the night and my lung function fell to 30%. My crp went up to 33 however my bacterial count was still going down which was good. I had an overnight oximeter as your sats tend to drop when you are asleep and since mine were low already they thought I might need overnight oxygen. My average sats overnight were about 89.6% so not low enough to need oxygen just borderline.

I was fully prepared to be told I would need to stay in or at least go on home IVs but to my surprise they said I could go home and return next Wednesday to be checked on. Apparently my Xray shows an improvement and they are please with my progress, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I told the Doctor I was concerned about my lung function and I am breathless just walking around, getting a shower etc but he was adamant I was to go home and see how I coped in my home environment. I had a walking test on Tuesday and my sats are dropping to 88% when I just walk, which is borderline again, so I have to have another one next week. They seem to think it's all viral and I will pick up once it has gone. I had a CT scan yesterday to look at my lungs in more detail and check there is nothing going on they don't know about.

So that's it, I have been shipped home and I feel like a bag of crap if I'm honest. I have nearly been sick twice already from coughing, I am getting out of breath just walking around the house and I'm so tired I just want to curl and disappear. On top of this its Christmas in 3 days and I still have shopping to do, a tree to put up and then obviously Christmas it's self is going to be exhausting.

My CF team said to call if I can't cope but what exactly are they going to do over Christmas? All my family were stressed when I was in hospital and I hate being in there. They are always bugging you and forgetting stuff or bring it like an hour after you ask, they ask you to pass them stuff and wake you up trying to put your IVs on. One night I woke up with a terrible headache pressed my buzzer, the nurse stood at the door shouting 'yes Gemma what do you want' (because I was in isolation they all had to put gloves and an apron on to come in my room so preferred to stand at the door and shout stuff to me and ask me to pass them stuff or take stuff from them.....lovely) and then when she brought my paracetamol she turned the light on! The food is horrible, I've lost 4kg whilst in there, a combination of a poor appetite and horrible food.

I'm so worried that this is it, I won't get my lung function back up, I'm terrified. I can't live like this, I really hope I feel better by next week.