feeling useless

Well yesterday I did naff all, I sat around feeling sorry for myself and did quite alot of sleeping. I didnt sleep too well as I had a horrible headache and I even when I sleep, its almost like i'm not sleeping properly, I dont feel like i've slept. I feel like i'm not fully here most of the time and I can't concentrate on things and organise myself, time just went yesterday and I don't even know what I did

In the evening Petes parents took us out for a meal which was nice and I had some wine which woke me up abit.... Pete asked if was drunk on the way home (which I was not) because I was 'chatty' and this made me miserable again. I always interpret things he says to mean something else, see I interpreted this as meaning i'm not usually chatty because i'm boring because I sit around doing nothing. Earlier he said to me about something (cant remember what!) that 'it would give me something to do' and I had a go at him saying just because I dont work I don't need him finding things for me to do.

Anyway last night I ended up crying when we got home and just had a moan about my cf, I mean thats allowed once in a while isn't it? I explained I felt useless, that I was an intelligent person and had the potential to do great things with my career (seriously I think I could have been a great lawyer!) but because of my stupid cf I couldn't, I couldn't even handle doing a job that wasn't that demanding. I just moaned about everything, down to the fact all my bras are now too tight for me because my chest has gotten so much wider from I dunno, coughing and stuff, and they all now dig into me. I feel useless because we are skint because I have no wage now and don't even qualify for benefits for 6 months. When we were having tea Petes parents asked me what was happening job wise, I explained I had felt better since giving up work and didn't plan to go back. They said 'well we would all feel better if we didn't work', in a jokey way and i'm sure they were just joking around and didn't mean anything by it but I dont feel like people understand how I feel about giving up work, about giving up having a possible career. It is not something I want to do but I know its for the best. I just feel like I have no purpose at the moment, i've always had a goal to work towards and now I feel like there is just... nothing. Im so ungrateful because there are people with cf worse off than me but I cant help how negative i'm feeling at the moment. I feel like i'm getting left behind, my friends are all doing great stuff, Pete has a great job and i'm just doing nothing......!

So anyway today I bought a load of new bras, I got 36's. So I wont have that problem anymore, I also walked the dogs around town as I needed to pay a cheque in and post a letter. I also went food shopping which I find extremely hard work as we live on the bottom floor and you have to walk down stairs to get to our flat so back up them to get the next lot of bags and its hard work....! Ive got a new book to read called the constant princess, its about Catherine of Aragon (yes my Tudors obsession continues), its by the woman who wrote the other Boleyn girl and that was a really good book. I got this book off ebay for £1.20, bargain! So going to read that now, then kill myself later ... No i'm just kidding :o)