feeling abit down

Ive been feeling abit down these past few days, I dont think the weather has helped as it has just rained and rained some more, and so I haven't done anything. So i've been moping around and thinking far too much, I realised on friday I hadn't really seen or spoken to anyone all week apart from Pete. I don't want to start isolating myself, it's so difficult to organise to do things when a) i'm tired all the time b) I have no money because I dont work anymore, so I end up staying in talking to the dogs, going crazy.

I have also been thinking bout having children, I always assumed I would be able to. But I was reading that cf booklet the hospital gave me and it says they recommend your lung function is above 60%, well mine is 41%..... So now im thinking I wont be able to have children and if I do my health will get even worse and I will die. I know thats very dramatic but thats what happens eventually if your health keeps going downhill! Surprisingly I dont really want to die, i've always accepted I will die before the average person but even when you accept that, it doesn't mean you dont mind dying in your 20's or 30's. People don't like talking to me about me dying, they say im different etc. erm no i'm not, i'm not invincible. So now I dont even know if i'm going to be able to have a baby, I mean i'm not planning to get get pregnant tomorrow but it was always something I planned to do. The idea of not has really upset me because it's like the most important thing a woman can do in my eyes, so I would feel like a failure. And its so annoying when there are people just popping kids out all the time that they don't really want, they don't realise how lucky they are that they can just do that!

Alongside all these 'great' thoughts i've been having, my chest has been feeling rubbish. I keep getting pains in my chest and my chest feels like its too big for my body so I cant breathe properly. Im getting out of breath easily and coughing all the time, i'm also coughing up little really hard, kind of rubbery bits of sputum (nice ey?). Also my body is achy but i'm not sure if this is from falling down the hole the other day, i've got a lovely black bruise on my leg from that by the way, its about the size of my hand!

I went to see The Duchess last night at the cinema, which is a great film by the way and I was coughing in the queue for the tickets, the queue for the popcorn (yum!) and eventually went to the toilet and coughed loads of stuff up in there, luckily the toilets were empty. I eventually stopped coughing, its so embarrassing, people were looking at me and im sure a woman moved away from me. If I hadn't have stopped coughing I dont think I would have been able to stay, I cant stand it! Ive got one of those cea cards now, so I paid for my cinema ticket and Pete got his for free as my carer, so that was good!

On a positive note, I saw a dress I liked for my bridesmaids on the internet. So grabbed my friend and we went for her to try it on, it was lovely. So I have bought it and going to order the others. I know its abit early but I really liked it and they won't sell it forever, I dont like many bridesmaid dresses so to find one I like is a miracle and I had to get it! It was nice to get out of the flat and see my friend too!