Moving in Different Directions

I've been feeling abit fed up this week, I don't know if it's because of the weather, because I haven't had much to do, hormones etc, but I do know I have been feeling fed up! I just seem to be sat around alot, thinking of things to do or waiting for Pete to come home. This isn't a plea for people I know to ask me to do stuff for them or go places with them....

I guess I have been feeling abit stressed about all these cuts the government are making and if I was going to lose any of my benefits. I had it in my head we were going to be either skint or I was going to have to work loads and it would ruin my life as I'd get really ill. Anyway from what I can gather it's only people in the work related group who will be affected, they will lose the benefit after a year because they are supposed to be finding a job, apparently their disability doesn't prevent them working, it just prevents them finding a suitable job. What a load of sh!te, I know people with CF in that group. They can find a job, it's the fact their body is ill that stops them working and CF doesn't get better after a year does it?! But it's OK because the guy on This Morning says 'if you are sat watching TV now and have a genuine disability you have nothing to worry about', yeah right. So yes I have been stressing about that and still am because god knows what the government are going to do next, but we must remember 'we are in this together' (sick of hearing that).

The surrogacy stuff is making me fed up too, because now we are members I am worried that no surrogates are going to like us and we are never going to be matched with someone. I'm scared me having CF will put them off, I'm scared there seems to be so many other couples on there and there just isn't enough surrogates and I'm scared it is going to take years or never happen atall.

Then I'm also fed up because my friends seem to be doing things I can't do with them because of either lack of money or because of my health. For example they are all going to a bonfire night but I declined to go because it's cold and there will be alot of walking involved, plus I think the fire smoke will make me cough (along with the cold). I could attempt to go but I know I won't enjoy it because of the all the mentioned things, fireworks don't even interest me to to be honest, so it would be a waste of an effort. However I don't like feeling left out!

Then also my two best friends are going on a weekend away (with some other girls) to London in December which I didn't even get invited to because they knew I wouldn't be able to go! I can't afford it (yes I know I own a nice house and they don't) and even if I could I really can't see me walking around London on a night out in December. When Pete and I went it exhausted me and that's when I was relatively warm, not wearing heels (don't even suggest going out in flats!), and Pete lets me walk at my own pace, my friends do not!

Now you may think my reasons regarding walking, coughing etc are petty and I should just put up with it to have some fun, but it's easier said than done. When you cough so hard that you wee (sorry...this blog is truthful!), or everyone is looking at you, or you feel like you are going to be sick and wishing everyone wasn't looking at you in case you are, it is a big thing.

Sometimes I feel like my life is moving a different direction to my friends, I'm married, a home owner, hopefully will have a child in the next few years and have an illness. Whereas they have growing careers so more money, no homes to pay for, no husbands and loads of energy. I'm scared of us drifting apart, and if I don't have my friends then I will be extremely lonely.

Anyway it's not all doom and gloom, don't get me wrong, I love having my own home and being married. I just don't like feeling left out! I'm sure it happens to people all the time, with or without CF, but I do have normal problems too. CF just seems to make them worse! I am hopefully going out tomorrow night into town, so I can still do things with my friends, just not the really exciting stuff! Also there is our Halloween party next Saturday which I am very excited about!