Emptying out my work bag

I just finished emptying out my work bag. I haven't worked since about June but just shoved the bag in the wardrobe and never got around to clearing it out. I guess it's because alot of it needed ripping up as it has details on of students etc but I also think it's because once I clear all the stuff out of my bag, it's final.

I'll tell you abit about about what I did since I left university and what my hopes were. I did a degree in Law and Psychology at University, it was a 4 year course and I got a 2.i (this is the second highest grade you can get). I didn't move to University, I commuted everyday and I met Pete at university as he lived with my best friend on my course. Pete and I got together in our second year at university, in my final year Pete had finished his degree and went to do a masters degree at a different University about 2 hours away.

I wanted to be a social worker and started some voluntary work as a mentor whilst I was in my final year at university to get some experience. I applied to do the masters in social work which is a 2 year course. I had 2 interviews but didn't get on either course as I didn't have enough experience.

So I went about trying to get more experience, but paid work obviously. In my final year at university my health had started to take abit of a turn, I had my first hospital admission in years and had to have steroids etc, I got an extension on my dissertation so it was all ok. Anyway I decided perhaps I should work part time and so applied for teaching assistant jobs. Most people who want to be social workers would get jobs as a social carer in a home looking after people, I didn't want to do this because I thought I could pick up infections etc and I couldn't cope with working shifts.

I got a job at the local college as an additional support worker where I supported two students with ADHD in their classes. This involved assisting them with their organisational and social skills as well as helping them to keep focused. I also advised subject tutors on the student’s additional requirements. I did 18.5 hours over 4 days, it was ok but quite boring. Alot of the time I was just sat with students in class and mine were studying I.T. so it wasn't even interesting! The tutors would blame me when my students misbehaved, the tutors wouldn't take my advice and I got sick of dealing with kids who were just there to get their ema (payments for going to college) and really weren't interested in the course atall. I did like some of the students though and had a laugh with them, but after about 6 months I was getting itchy feet to move on!

I then took on the role as the early college transfer learning mentor within the 14-16 unit and increased to 30 hours a week, they wouldn't give me the job for any less hours as it was originally advertised for 37hours so they knocked 7 hours off for me, I should have never taken the job really. This involved working with year 11 students who attend college to achieve a vocational qualification. I provided one-to-one support such as addressing problem behaviours and attitudes, liaised with the tutors and monitored the students attendance. Basically these were kids that the schools didn't want anymore so the college takes them to try give them a more vocational and less academic education, for example they could do hairdressing, bricklaying etc. Again, I liked the students, well most of them anyway even though most of them were hopeless and had no intention to pass their courses and had parents who had no intention of trying to motivate them. I spent alot of the time phoning parents listening to excuses about why their child wasn't in college even though they were still in compulsory education so had to come in. I spent alot of time trying to get tutors to actually make an effort with the students as they don't like them and can't even be bothered. I also spent alot of time not really sure what my role was and feeling like people just gave me stuff to do that they didn't want to do! It's basically a job with no or little rewards and just abit hopeless really!

By this time I had gone off becoming a social worker as I realised I would probably have to deal with people that were hopeless and a waste of space alot of the time. I think having cf makes me less able to tolerate people, some people are so ungrateful and abuse thier bodies and use every excuse under the sun to not do things. I just want to tell them to get a grip!

I applied to go on a teaching course as I did enjoy the college setting but just not with the area I was working in, and thought if I taught A-levels I would be dealing with more mature, eager students rather than drop outs in the lower level courses as I was doing at the moment. Anyway I got on the course but my health continued to decline, I was having time off work all the time, going home early, I was always tired and I finally realised I couldn't go on like this. I was letting people down and making myself ill all for the sake of having a job to try prove something. So I quit working at the college and deferred my place on the teaching course for a year. It's still open to me next year if I want to do it but I doubt I will.

So it's abit weird, because in just over a year I have gone from having all these goals of what careers I want, to not having one atall. It's a shame really because I think i'm actually quite good at working with and helping people and I do enjoy it. I'm still doing my voluntary work as a mentor which is good as I don't feel completely useless! I just have to keep reminding myself that I feel alot better now, my lung function is up, I can do things with my friends etc rather than working and going straight to bed and never seeing them. Yes I am poorer and I feel abit inadequate when I sit with my friends and they rave on about their jobs, I also am sad that all my hard work throughout school and university has not amounted to anything apart from grades on a piece of paper. But I made some good friends along the way and got myself a fiance and I am happier now than I was 6-7 months ago, so I have finally emptied out my bag and got rid of my old life and now I can use it to go to the gym which is part of my new healthier and relaxed life. I think i'm finally starting to see whats important :o) xx