Heading Towards a Bad Place

I'm feeling really down today. The past week I've started feeling rubbish again, tired, aching, getting breathless easily, chest pains and sleeping in quite late. I had outpatients today and my lung function is back down at 36%, my weight is up abit at 54.5kg. So I am starting IV's tomorrow, this means I will be on IVs for my birthday and my night out I had planned.

I'm just sick of everything to be honest, I feel like no matter how hard I try it doesn't help. I'm seriously considering cancelling my gym membership, I feel the money could be used elsewhere and it's not like it seems to be helping.
It's like I never get a break, it's just one thing after another. My constipation is becoming an issue again and yesterday evening I had really bad pains just under my chest, I seriously felt like I was dying. I think it was trapped wind so nothing serious but it was so painful, I couldn't even stand up straight.

Petes parents came over yesterday and I cooked a Sunday lunch, after they left I felt so tired, my whole body ached and I just had no energy whatsoever. It was a real push to force myself to do my physio, to be honest I don't think I put that much effort into it. My point is, a normal person wouldn't be this knackered after cooking a Sunday lunch and having some guests over would they? I hate it, why can't I just be normal for awhile?

I even got mad at Coronation street the other day. For those of you that don't watch it (its a soap to you non Uk people reading this), Sally Webster got breast cancer. She had to have a lump removed and then was told she was going to be fine apart from needing some tablets and radiation I think they said. So basically she had about 5 weeks of worry, an operation and as far as we know is going to be fine, she didn't even feel ill because they caught it early. Then all they keep going on about is that she deserves a holiday and is brave, deserves a break bla bla. I know its not real, but this is how people think.

What about people like me and others with continuous, long-term illnesses? Where is our break? We put up with sh!t like that all the time, there is no break for us, no good news, no holiday to celebrate. Our lives are a constant worry. I'm not saying cancer isn't terrible, of course it is terrible and I feel guilty for even having these thoughts, I'd never wish it upon anyone. However it's always cancer that gets the limelight, if someone gets cancer its horrible, lets find a cure for cancer, raise awareness for cancer, be nice to people with cancer, set up charities for them. I heard on the radio the other day that a local charity had been set up to help cancer survivors get on with normal life. I wish I could survive CF and have someone help me get on with a normal life. No wait, just a normal life would be a start...

I don't like been this person I become when I'm feeling rough, and I feel terrible for complaining as there are loads of people more unhealthy than me. But perhaps there are even more that are healthier?