12th Feb - My Path?

Friday 12th February 2010

The more I think about it the more Surrogacy seems the option, that is if we can find someone who is willing to be a surrogate for us. Have you ever noticed that CF people seem to need other people for everything? We really are leeches on society, it's a sad fact, we need your wombs, your lungs, your taxes for our benefits and treatments and of course your care and love to help us with our treatments and emotions. I don't like it one bit believe me, however I didn't deal my card or pick my life, I'm just trying to get through it like everyone else. I hate my body.

I really don't think we can afford for a stranger to be a surrogate because the expenses would be alot more and it would take us about 10 years or something stupid to save up, I can't wait that long! Of course I would be willing to pay expenses to anyone that would be willing to carry and give birth to our child, however if it is someone we know they will live closer and we can help out with alot with things.

My brother has already expressed that he thinks it sounds weird, but he is my brother and says inconsiderate annoying things all the time, afterall that is what little brothers are for! I suppose it is something I might have to adjust to though, its not like its a new experience for me. I already deal with people not understanding my CF and judging me, so might as well add another thing to the equation. There will be people who say its not natural, I should accept I can't have kids etc etc. These people don't know what it's like and therefore I do not care what they think, try live my life and see if you come out of the other side with the same opinions!

If the whole surrogacy idea works out, it will be brilliant and the best idea I think I've ever followed. If it doesn't work out, it will be the worst thing I have ever done, a waste of time and money, an emotional wreck and perhaps something that could finish me off once and for all. I really don't think I can take much more of what CF throws at me and never have any positive endings, I need at least one fairytale ending in my life. OK I've already had one, marrying Pete was one fairytale come true, our wedding was amazing and he is an amazing husband, however I do not think it is wrong or greedy of me to want to take our relationship to the next level. It's only natural and part of the package of what we both want from this marriage.

OK so now I am babbling on abit, but sometimes I just like to write down what my head is thinking!

So now I have started it. For me this means it is more set in stone that this is what we are going to do. We are no longer talking and saying 'ifs' and 'maybes', we are doing it! I phoned the GP yesterday and booked an appointment for next Thursday so we can be referred, no doubt he won't have a clue who to refer us to. Therefore I have made a post on the Surrogacy UK forum to try and increase my knowledge on the subject. So that's two steps I have undertaken and I am feeling alot happier today. I'm a woman with a plan! If you know me, you will know I like plans, I like things organised and I like to know my goals and where I am heading. I think this is why I quite liked maths and stuff like that at school, there is a right or wrong answer, there is no interpretations or uncertainty. I want my life to be like this, last week there was a thousand ways the next few months could end up and I didn't like that. Now I feel I have some kind of path to follow, and whilst it could end dreadfully because I don't like it when my plans don't work, it could also end up beautiful. I hope and pray that the beautiful ending is the one for Pete and I