Monday 25th January 2010
I had the CT scan before Christmas, its really simple, you just lay on a bed and a circle thing goes up and down your body. It takes about 10 minutes, if that.
I Pete and saw the doctor today to discuss pregnancy. It didn't go very well. He basically said I have a low lung function and if I were his daughter he wouldn't want me to get pregnant, he said the risks are high and people have died. He suggested we look at adoption, I asked about surrogacy but he didn't know much about it. He suggested we talk about it and get back to him if we want to go ahead, he will support our decision, but his advise is it is not a good idea.
I can't really remember what else he said because obviously I was very upset and trying to concentrate on not crying rather than anything else. He told us not to feel downhearted, well that easy for him to say isn't it? He will have gone home and had tea with his family and totally have forgotten about us, left with the prospect of never having the family we both want. It's easy to dish out advice, but alot harder to deal with the advice given.
To rub salt in the wound, as we left the hospital there was a pregnant woman stood by the hospital entrance stood under a sign saying no smoking, doing exactly that. Life is seriously unfair, if I got pregnant I would never do anything that could harm my baby.
Pete and I are not sure about adoption. I've already researched it and it doesn't exactly look great for us. For a start I'm not exactly a great candidate, so we might not even get accepted. Then if you want a baby the waiting list is years long as not many baby's need adopting unless they have special needs. I don't think I could cope looking after a baby with special needs, call me selfish but I just don't think I could do it. Then there are issues such as, would our families accept an adopted child? Would we be OK with it having contact with its birth parents and siblings? Overall it's not a route I really want to go down. We want our own baby, one we can name, I want to see what our child would look like! I want to experience pregnancy and my family to be proud of me, would they be proud of me if I adopted a child?
I really don't know what to do. I think I'm kind of in denial and think everything will be OK if I get pregnant, which it could be. There are many people with my lung function that have had successful pregnancies, but then there are those that haven't.
The doctor made it quite clear he didn't think I would ever get my lung function up to 60% and also said he thinks I will need a lung transplant at some point, he suggested I could get pregnant after. That's ages away (hopefully)! And wouldn't that be swapping one set of problems for another?
Pete says he's rather have me than have a baby and lose me, he also says if I died and he was left with a baby he would not have a clue what to do. These are all 'ifs', should I give up the one thing I want because of 'ifs'?
The doctor said fitness is an important factor so I'm going to try go to the gym more to get fit and prove to Pete I won't be going anywhere if we have a baby
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6 comments:
Big hugs - this must be heartbreaking for you. Post tx is an option, but does entail new problems and I do hope it is still a long way down the road. Why not check out the surrogacy route and see what that involves? You could also attend some adoption info days although I appreciate what you are saying about that - I probably feel much the same tbh. I think there are a couple of forum users going through surrogacy though so maybe ask for some info there. xxx
go Gemma go and prove pete wrong, but the advice about surrogacy is good, try that first xxxx
Hi Gemma, Im glad you're back!! - I really enjoy reading your blog - I found the link on the CF forum.
Im 27 and have CF too. I can relate to how you are feeling right now. Im in the same position and am finding it hard to take in, life can be so cruel but I think sometimes you do just have to go with your heart.
If you want to talk anytime then let me know - I can email you xx
My heart goes out to you gemma, you are so right about people not appreciating their luck being able to have children and smoking when truly nice people like you deserve it so much. Hope you get it sorted one way or another. Glad your still blogging ...rick
I know there's nothing I can say to really make you feel better about it, but you're a great mommy to your puppy! I've pretty much accepted that my dogs will be my babies, but sometimes I wish I could have a baby too. My heart goes out to you!
Oh bugger. I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you. Me and my wife hit rock bottom after our third attempt at IVF failed; but we eventually found another way (through donor insemination). It's worth looking at all the alternatives. xxx
As for the gym, I would say it's worth asking the gym instructors how best to improve you upper body strength, if you can build up the muscles in your arms/back/chest then it will make physio and coughing more effective. It may be worth trying to get your BMI up to 25 as well, to see if that improves you LF. Also with the aspergillus, would it be worth taking intermittent doses of steroids to see how that effects it?
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