Sunday 7th February 2010
I've decided to stop doing my blog for awhile as I don't want to give a false perception of what my life is at the moment.
I feel very empty and hopeless, I feel like nobody knows what it is like to be me. I am sick of my body and it letting me down, I feel like giving in. It's never going to end, I'm never going to get better, I can't work, I can't have a baby, what the f*ck can I do?! How can I live a normal life and live my life to the full if I can't fu*king do anything that a normal person can do? I look normal, I feel normal, so why can't I be normal?! What the hell did I do to deserve to be given a sh*t body but want normal things? OK give me this sh*t CF body but then also make me not want kids or have an intelligent mind that wants to be used. Why give me things I can't use?!
I spoke to my mum about the baby situation yesterday, I didn't really have a choice since I started crying after been in a fowl mood all day. She didn't have any answers, when did I get to age where my mum can't tell me what to do?
I'm totally messed up, I had some kind of breakdown last night. I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want to go our for my birthday. I didn't want to be pretend to be happy and talk about sh*t I don't care about. It didn't help they started talking about having babies, someone else I know is pregnant. I managed to get ready after crying for about an hour, and went but I felt ill, I got stomach ache and felt sick, once we had finished the meal no one came back to mine as they could tell I didn't feel well. I got home and slept, not without having to do my stupid IVs.
If I don't have a family, this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. I'm scared I will become depressed. I try to stay happy and positive but its proving to be really difficult, its hard to get out of bed and get through the day
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2 comments:
I remember the day well Gemma, I couldnt give you any answers (which I felt terrible about) just advice, after all its your decision ultimatly.
I had been expecting this dilema/situation for a long time, and it came as no surprise, but it was still very difficult, and will be for a long long time, you would have thought I'd have sorted a solution out, but I havnt, I feel so helpless and angry at what life is throwing at you.
Stay posative on the advise I have given, It may just work out in the end!!!!
Love you lots xxxx
Hi Gemma,
Sounds like you have been going through a tough time, I think it is always hard for us girls with Cf, especially once we get to our twenties and everyone around us is talking babies and having families. It is hard when you see people with CF who are quite well and having children, all the time you think, why me?
I don't have a powerful desire to have children anymore, as you know i'm waiting for tx so it is not on my radar but even before that I knew it could't be so I just resolved not to think about it anymore. I think it is a long process with no right or wrong answers, I just wanted to say that please don't think you can't use your skills and talents for other things, even if you have a cf body.
as i have got really poorly in the last year or so I have had to come to terms alot with adjusting my expectations and re-learning my limits but there are still fantatsic things to be had out of life.
thinking of you x
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