Miserable Lady Returns!

Hello! I told you it would only be a short interval! Although its only been a week for everyone, for Pete and I, it's been a long time, this has been going on for months and I guess the last few weeks have finally made me crack and make some decisions. I'm going to post a blog each day from the past few months/weeks I have been logging things, to get you upto speed. Maybe once you read them you will think I have been acting over the top, maybe you think I shouldn't be talking about it on here yet. Not sure myself really but I don't want things to be secret, I am not ashamed of how I have been feeling

Friday 23rd Oct 2009 - Lets get the ball Rolling

I had been dreading this day for ages, it was outpatients and I was going to bring up the baby factor again.

I was so scared, scared of been told it was a definite no, told I could go ahead but they would not support me. I've grown up assuming I could have children just like anyone else does, I only realised this might not be possible when I read some articles online and asked on the cf forum. This was confirmed last year when I spoke to the doctor, see this blog entry for details on how that went. You have no idea how it feels to be denied your health, denied a long life, the opportunity to have a family and all the others things that come with cf. Sometimes I feel like it's one blow after another, I must have done something really bad in my past life!

So anyway I booked my ideas up, I gave up work to concentrate on my health, became 100% compliant with my treatment and joined the gym. I always made out this was to increase my health in general but in the back of my mind I knew it was because I wanted to prepare my body by getting it as stable as possible for pregnancy.

I can't explain why I want to have a child so much, if i can never have a family I don't see a bright future, I can't see what I would get up for everyday. I can at the moment because in my perceived future there is most definitely a son/daughter involved. So I can work towards that, a definite and final no is the end of that future and the alternative is dark and pointless. Whats the point in feeling well and living if you can't have the life you want?

I asked to see one of the senior cf doctors, I couldn't exactly bring this up with a registrar.

I told him i had stopped taking the pill a month ago as I want to prepare my body for pregnancy and wanted to discuss this with him. He told me doctors are split on pregnancy and cf, some like it some don't. He said he understood that women have this internal need to have children, afterall that's how the population grows. I am no different, I might have cf but I am still a woman. He said it was so difficult to predict, especially with the fungus' I have as it would be near impossible to treat them if I was pregnant. He asked what I'd do if he said no, I told him truthfully I had no idea, but I would probably take his advice and be miserable for the rest of my life. He said that sounded like I was very passionate and in his experience woman like me would do it anyway. Anyway I started to cry, I'd been so nervous and he was so understanding, he also asked how Pete would feel. I said Pete wants children but always knew there was a possibility it might never happen for us. He also asked about family support and I told him my family are very supportive and would help me out alot which (I hope) is true.

Anyway after I got over my temporary state of been an emotional wreck we agreed on a plan. He is going to arrange for me to have a CT scan to look at how damaged my lungs are. He is also going to discuss it with the whole cf team, he says opinions will probably be divided. After the CT scan, Pete and I have to arrange to meet him and we will got through the results and see what happens. He made it clear that if I went ahead he would be happy to support me.

I don't know how to feel, I feel determined I will do this with their support or not but I don't think I actually would, I am just praying they agree they think they can get me through a pregnancy and even though my lung function isn't that high, I'm still a reasonably good candidate.